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FW: Hard to Please

Hard to please


Soon after my wife and I met, she mentioned how she really
wished that she could afford a riding lawnmower. She was a


single gal that worked all day and was often tired in the
evening when she got home from work.

So, being the handy sort of guy that I was,

I made her a riding lawnmower.


I guess I thought she would squeal with delight
and give me a big hug.

 

 

To this day I have never been able to understand

why women are so hard to please.
Riding Mower

–Care of SC

Sun 8/14/2005 11:12 PM

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FW: Southern Logic

Two South Texas farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer.

Jim turns to Bob and says, “You know, I’m tired of going through life without an education.  Tomorrow I think I’ll go to the community college and sign up for some classes.”  Bob thinks it’s a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets the dean of admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: math, English, history, and logic.

“Logic?” Jim says. “What’s that?”

The dean says, “I’ll show you. Do you own a weed eater?”

“Yeah.”

 

“Then logically because you own a  weed eater, I think that you would have a yard.”

“That’s true, I do have a yard.”

“I’m not done,” the dean says. Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.”

“Yes, I do have a house.”

“And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.”

“I have a family.”

“I’m not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife.”

“Yes, I do have a wife.”

“And because you have a wife, then logically you must be a heterosexual.”

“I am a heterosexual. That’s amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater.”

Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the dean’s hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar.  He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for math, English, history, and logic.


“Logic?” Bob says, “What’s that?”

Jim says, “I’ll show you. Do you have a weed eater?

“No.”

 

“Then you’re a queer.”

–Care of SC

Tue 8/9/2005 5:40 PM

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FW: A TOUCHING STORY OF LOVE AND MARRIAGE

  An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death’s agony, he suddenly

 smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up

 the stairs.

 

 He gathered his remaining strength,  and lifted himself from the bed. 

 Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, 

 and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping

 the railing with both hands.

 

 With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into

 the kitchen. Were it not for death’s agony, he would have thought

 himself already in heaven. There, spread out upon  newspapers on the

 kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip

 cookies.

 

 Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his

 devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

 

 Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table,

 landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips

 parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already  in   his mouth;

 seemingly bringing him back to life.

 

 The aged and withered hand, shaking made its way to a cookie at the

 edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his

 wife.

 

 “Stay out of those!” she said, “They’re for the funeral.”

 –Care of SC

Fri 7/29/2005 6:32 PM

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FW: way too much time

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:

DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:

MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:

A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:

THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:

HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:

HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:

IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:

LIES – LET’S RECOUNT

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:

WOMAN HITLER

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z ‘S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:

IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:

TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:


PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA:
When you rearrange the letters
(With no letters left over and using each letter only once):
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay
too much time on their hands!

Bet your friends haven’t seen this one!!!

Gary & Susan Cramer
Meansville Ga. 30256

–Care of SC
Sat 7/23/2005 11:32 AM

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FW: The genteel southern lady

A very genteel Southern lady was driving across a Savannah River Bridge in Georgia one day. As she neared the middle of the bridge, she noticed a young man ready {fixin’} to jump. She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, “Please don’t jump, think of yoah deah momma and daddy.”

He replied, “Mom and Dad are both dead; I’m going to jump.”

She said, “Well, think of yoah wife and children.”

He replied, “I’m not married and I don’t have any kids.”

She said, “Well, think of Robert E. Lee.”

He replied, “Who’s Robert E. Lee?”

She replied, “Well, just go ahead and jump, you dumb ass Yankee.”

–Care of SC

Sat 7/23/2005 11:31 AM

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FW: Chuckle

The doctor said, Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad new is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.”

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men’s clothing store and thought, “That’s what I need… a new suit.” He entered the shop and told the salesman, “I’d like a new suit.”

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, “Let’s see… size 44 long.” Joe laughed, “That’s right, how did you know?” “Been in the business 60 years! “the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit.. it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about a new shirt?” Joe thought for a moment and then said, “Sure.” The salesman eyed Joe and said, “Let’s see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.” Joe was surprised, “That’s right, how did you know?” “Been in the business 60 years.”

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, “How About some new underwear?” Joe thought for a moment and said, “Sure.” The salesman said, “Let’s see… size 36.” Joe laughed, “Ah ha! I got you, I’ve worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.” The salesman shook his head, “You can’t wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.”

New suit – $400
New shirt – $36
New underwear – $6
Second Opinion – PRICELESS

–Care of SC
Sat 7/23/2005 11:26 AM
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FW: 0 to 200 in 4 seconds . . .

The couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town.

 

He would probably have settled for any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

 

“Look!” she said. “I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less.  And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.”

 

For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

 

He should be released from the hospital within 4 to 6 weeks……

–Care of SC
Sat 7/23/2005 11:24 AM
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FW: Worthy response (if it were only true)

A letter was written to the current administration, complaining about the treatment of a captive taken
during the Afghanistan war. Below is a copy of the response.

The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue

Washington, D.C.

Dear Concerned Citizen
Thank you for your recent letter criticizing our treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda detainees
currently held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.

The administration takes these matters seriously, and your opinion was heard loud and clear here in
Washington You’ll be pleased to learn that, thanks to the concerns of citizens like you, we are
creating the Terrorist Retraining Program, to be called the “Liberals Accept responsibility for
Killers” program, or LARK for short.

In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to place one terrorist
under your personal care.

Your detainee has been selected and scheduled for transportation to your residence next Monday. Ali
Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of admonishment. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommended in your letter.

Although Ahmed is sociopathic and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his “attitudinal problem” will help him overcome this character flaw. Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences.

Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life
with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. He is also expert at making a wide variety of
explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless you feel that this might offend him.

Ahmed will not wish to interact with your wife or daughters since he views females as a subhuman form of property. This is a particularly sensitive subject for him. He has been known to show violent
tendencies around women who fail to comply with the dress code that he considers appropriate, but I’m sure that over time they will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the bhurka. Just remind them
that it is all part of respecting his culture and his religious beliefs.

Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks like you inform us of the proper way to
do our job. Take good care of Ahmed and good luck!

Cordially,

Don Rumsfeld

— Care of SC
Fri 7/15/2005 5:55 PM
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FW: QUART LOW

Jesse Jackson got out of the shower and was drying off when he looked in the mirror and noticed he was white from the neck up to the top of his head.

In sheer panic and fearing that he was turning white and might have to start working for a living, he called his doctor and told him of his problem. The doctor advised him to come to his office immediately.

After an examination, the doctor mixed a concoction of brown liquid, gave it to Jesse and told him to drink it all.

Jesse did and replied, “That tasted like bull sh–!”

The doctor replied, “It was, Jesse. You were a quart low.”

— Care of SC

Tue 7/12/2005 1:21 PM