Categories
Forward Funny

FW: Jokes of the Day

A game of baseball
St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball. Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys.”Very well,” said the gatekeeper of Heaven. “But you realize, I hope, that we’ve got all the good players and the best coaches.”

“I know, and that’s all right,” Satan answered unperturbed. “We’ve got all the umpires.”


 

One morning the lion is feeling especially ferocious. He saunters over to a monkey swinging in a tree and roars, “Who’s the king of this jungle?” The monkey scampers down from the tree, bows to the lion and stammered, “Wh..wh…why you are Mr. Lion.”
A few minutes later, the lion comes across a warthog. He stops in front of the animal and asks, “Who’s the baddest dude in this jungle?”  The warthog hid his face in the dirt and whispered, “You’re the baddest, King Lion.”
This continues all morning long with animal after animal bowing and scraping to the lion. Finally the lion comes across an 80-year-old bull elephant. He bellows at the elephant, “Who’s the king of this jungle? Who owns this place?”  With that the elephant wrapped his trunk around the lion’s belly. He raised the lion 12 feet in the air and slammed his head against the ground. After that he slammed the lion into a tree on the right and then into another tree on the left. Finally, the elephant swung his trunk and threw the lion 35 feet away where the lion landed in a thorn bush.
As the elephant lumbered down the trail the lion shook his paw and shouted, “Just because you don’t know the answer, you don’t have to get an attitude!”


Deliverance
It is pouring rain in the flood plain of the Mississippi Valley, and the rising river begins to threaten all manner of private homes, including that of the local Rabbi.With water coming into the ground floor, a rowboat with police comes by, and the officer shouts, “Rabbi, let us evacuate you! The water level is getting dangerous.”

The Rabbi replies, “No thank you, I am a righteous man, who trusts in the Almighty, and I am confident he will deliver me.” Three hours go by, and the rains intensify, at which point the Rabbi has been forced up to the second floor of his house.A second police rowboat comes by, and the officer shouts, “Rabbi, let us evacuate you! The water level is getting dangerous.”

The Rabbi replies, “No thank you, I am a righteous man, who trusts in the Almighty, and I am confident he will deliver me.”

The rain does not stop, and the Rabbi is forced up onto the roof of his house. A helicopter flies over, and the officer shouts down, “Rabbi, grab the rope and we’ll pull you up! You’re in terrible danger!”

The Rabbi replies, “No thank you, I am a righteous man, who trusts in the Almighty, and I am confident he will deliver me.”
The deluge continues, and the Rabbi is swept off the roof, carried away in the current and drowns. He goes up to heaven, and at the Pearly Gates he is admitted, and comes before the Divine Presence.

The Rabbi asks, “Dear Lord, I don’t understand. I’ve been a righteous observant person my whole life, and depended on you to save me in my hour of need. Where were you?”

And the Lord answered, “I sent two boats and a helicopter, what more do you want?”


Nyuk nyuk nyuk!!!!

Categories
Forward Funny

FW: Joke of the Day (The customs of an Irishman)

 

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, “You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time.” The Irishman replies, “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I’m here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.” The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: ordering three pints and drinking them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.” The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. “Oh, no,” he says, “Everyone’s fine. I’ve just quit drinking.”
Categories
Forward Funny

RE: Joke of the Day

A lady walks into a bar and sees a really cute guy sitting at the counter. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking.

“Magic Beer”, he says

She thinks he’s a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after that there is no one else worth talking to, goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says, “That isn’t really Magic Beer, is it?”

“Yes, I’ll show you.” He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building 3 times and comes back in the window.

The lady can’t believe it: “I bet you can’t do that again.”

He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window.

She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to the bartender, “Give her one of what I’m having.”

She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.

The bartender looks up at the guy and says, “You know, Superman, you’re a real asshole when you’re drunk!”

Categories
Forward Funny

FW: Scam Alert

I Just got scammed out of $25. 
Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled “My Favorite 18 Holes.”   
Turns out it’s about golf.  
Absolute waste of money.

Pass this on so others don’t get scammed. 
  
Best Regards,

Charlie Sheen

Categories
Forward Funny Images

Pictures you don’t see everyday

Pictures you don’t see everyday



Must have been McNaughty.



Looks like UPS wins!!!



Oh, come on… just one?



Start with spelling



..I think it was the FedEx driver




Made by the school that teaches Arithetic

 

Sometimes a name change is the best idea…

Take me to the cleaners, baby!

Major dilemma in  California:

How do you get there from here?


Everything you need for your ‘shotgun’ wedding!


It’s a good deal, but… oh, the college costs!

 

McLogic gone wrong…

 

Pork the one you love?

 


Still Dead, Huh??? Go Figure…




What?




‘Mass suicides…Cows going over the edge…tonight on Channel 3 News…’




Good Job!!
Well, Make that “former job.”

 


Load ’em up with burritos, Mom!!



I’m Confused…



 


How am I going to write that if I’m ILLITERATE?



I can’t even comment on this one



Must be Wyoming Beautiful, lush lawns of dirt…




Make up your mind!!!




Don’t drink and make signs…

 

And Last but not Least

It must have been the FedEx driver.

Categories
Forward Interesting

DID YOU KNOW? — very interesting — good read

Here are some really neat “how to’s”.
Really pay attention to the last one about the dryer, it could save $ or your home.


DID YOU KNOW?

Peel a banana from the bottom and you won’t have to
pick the little “stringy things” off of it. That’s how the primates do it.


Take your bananas apart when you get home from the store.
If you leave them connected at the stem, they ripen faster.



Store your opened chunks of cheese in aluminum foil.
It will stay fresh much longer and not mold!


Peppers with 3 bumps on the bottom are sweeter and better for eating.
Peppers with 4 bumps on the bottom are firmer and better for cooking.


Add a teaspoon of water when frying ground beef.
It will help pull the grease away from the meat while cooking.
To really make scrambled eggs or omelets rich add a couple of
spoonfuls of sour cream, cream cheese, or heavy cream in and then beat them up


Add garlic immediately to a recipe if you want a light taste
of garlic and at the end of the recipe if your want a stronger taste of garlic.


Leftover snickers bars from Halloween make a delicious dessert. Simply
chop them up with the food chopper. Peel, core and slice a few apples. Place them
in a baking dish and sprinkle the chopped candy bars over the apples. Bake at 350
for 15 minutes!!!  Serve alone or with vanilla ice cream. Yummm!


Reheat Pizza
Heat up leftover pizza in a nonstick skillet on top of the stove, set heat to med-low
and heat till warm. This keeps the crust crispy. No soggy micro pizza. I saw this on
the cooking channel and it really works.


Easy Deviled Eggs

Put cooked egg yolks in a zip lock bag. Seal, mash till they are all broken up. Add remainder of ingredients, reseal, keep mashing
it up mixing thoroughly, cut the tip of the baggy, squeeze mixture into egg. Just throw bag away when done easy clean up.


Expanding Frosting
When you buy a container of cake frosting from the store, whip it with your mixer
for a few minutes. You can double it in size. You get to frost more cake/cupcakes
with the same amount. You also eat less sugar and calories per serving.


Reheating refrigerated bread

To warm biscuits, pancakes, or muffins that were refrigerated, place them in
a microwave with a cup of water. The increased moisture will keep the food
moist and help it reheat faster.


Newspaper weeds away
Start putting in your plants, work the nutrients in your soil. Wet newspapers,
put layers around the plants overlapping as you go cover with mulch and for-
get about weeds. Weeds will get through some gardening plastic they will not
get through wet newspapers.


Broken Glass

Use a wet cotton ball or Q-tip to pick up the small shards of glass you can’t see easily.


No More Mosquitoes
Place a dryer sheet in your pocket.
It will keep the mosquitoes away.


Squirrel Away!

To keep squirrels from eating your plants, sprinkle your plants with cayenne pepper.
The cayenne pepper doesn’t hurt the plant and the squirrels won’t come near it.


Flexible vacuum
To get something out of a heat register or under the fridge add an empty paper towel
roll or empty gift wrap roll to your vacuum. It can be bent or flattened to get in nar-
row openings.


Reducing Static Cling

Pin a small safety pin to the seam of your slip and you will not have a clingy skirt
or dress. Same thing works with slacks that cling when wearing panty hose.
Place pin in seam of slacks and … ta da! … static is gone.


Measuring Cups
Before you pour sticky substances into a measuring cup, fill with hot water.
Dump out the hot water, but don’t dry cup. Next, add your ingredient, such
as peanut butter, and watch how easily it comes right out.


Foggy Windshield?

Hate foggy windshields? Buy a chalkboard eraser and keep it in the glove box of
your car . When the window s fog, rub with the eraser! Works better than a cloth!


Reopening envelope
If you seal an envelope and then realize you forgot to include something inside,
just place your sealed envelope in the freezer for an hour or two. Viola! It unseals
easily.
Conditioner

Use your hair conditioner to shave your legs. It’s cheaper than shaving cream and
leaves your legs really smooth. It’s also a great way to use up the conditioner you
bought but didn’t like when you tried it in your hair.


Goodbye Fruit Flies
To get rid of pesky fruit flies, take a small glass, fill it 1/2″ with Apple Cider Vinegar
and 2 drops of dish washing liquid; mix well. You will find those flies drawn to the
cup and gone forever!


Get Rid of Ants =
Put small piles of cornmeal where you see ants They eat it, take it “home,” can’t
digest it so it kills them. It may take a week or so, especially if it rains, but it works
and you don’t have the worry about pets or small children being harmed!


INFO ABOUT CLOTHES DRYERS
The heating unit went out on my dryer! The gentleman that fixes things around the
house for us told us that he wanted to show us something and he went over to the
dryer and pulled out the lint filter. It was clean. (I always clean the lint from the fil-
ter after every load clothes.) He told us that he wanted to show us something; he
took the filter over to the sink and ran hot water over it. The lint filter is made of a
mesh material … I’m sure you know what your dryer’s lint filter looks like. Well …
the hot water just sat on top of the mesh! It didn’t go through it at all! He told us
that dryer sheets cause a film over that mesh that’s what burns out the heating unit.
You can’t SEE the film, but it’s there. It’s what is in the dryer sheets to make your
clothes soft and static free … that nice fragrance too. You know how they can feel
waxy when you take them out of the box .. well this stuff builds up on your clothes
and on your lint screen. This is also what causes dryer units to potentially burn your
house down with it! He said the best way to keep your dryer working for a very long
time (and to keep your electric bill lower) is to take that filter out and wash it with
hot soapy water and an old toothbrush (or other brush) at least every six months.
He said that makes the life of the dryer at least twice as long! How about that!?!
Learn something new everyday! I certainly didn’t know dryer sheets would do that.
So, I thought I’d share!


Note:
I went to my dryer and tested my screen by running water on it. The water ran
through a little bit but mostly collected all the water in the mesh screen. I washed it
with warm soapy water and a nylon brush and I had it done in 30 seconds. Then when
I rinsed it … the water ran right thru the screen! There wasn’t any puddling at all!
That repairman knew what he was talking about!

Categories
Forward Funny Interesting

Oxymorons

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

6. Why does “slow down” and “slow up” mean the same thing?

7. Why does “fat chance” and “slim chance” mean the same thing?

8. Why do “tug” boats push their barges?

9. Why do we sing “Take me out to the ball game”
when we are already there?

10. Why are they called ” stands” when they are made for sitting?

11. Why is it called “after dark” when it really is “after light”?

12.. Doesn’t “expecting the unexpected” make the unexpected expected?

13.. Why are a “wise man” and a “wise guy” opposites?

14. Why do “overlook” and “oversee” mean opposite things?

15. Why is “phonics” not spelled the way it sounds?

16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

17.. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?

21.. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control
when you know the batteries are dead?

22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them?

25.. Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?

27.Christmas – What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?

28.  Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway ?
I dunno, why do we?

Categories
Forward Interesting

FW: ARE WE IN TROUBLE OR WHAT

Check this one out


? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? OR ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?
36  have been accused of spousal abuse

7  have been arrested for fraud

19  have been accused of writing bad checks

117  have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses

3  have done time for assault

71, repeat 71
cannot get a credit card due to bad credit

14  have been arrested on drug-related charges

8  have been arrested for shoplifting

21  currently are defendants in lawsuits,

and
84  have been arrested for drunk driving

in the last year

Can you guess which organization this is?

NBA   Or   NFL ?

Give up yet?  Scroll down,


Neither, it’s the 435 members of the
United States  Congress

The same group of Idiots that crank out
hundreds of new laws each year
designed to keep the rest of us in line.

You gotta pass this one on!

Categories
Forward Funny

FW: Green Pink Yellow

An American man, a Chinese man, and a Mexican man all died and went to Hell. The Devil said, “You know guys, you all have been sinners. But I’m in a good mood, so I’m willing to give you another chance. If you can think of a sentence using the words ‘green’, ‘pink’, and ‘yellow’ that will make me laugh, then you will go to heaven.”

The Chinese guy goes first. He says, “One morning when I woke up, I looked out the window and saw a green field with pink and yellow flowers in it.” The Devil says, “You think that’s funny?” and the Chinese goes to Hell.

The American is next. He says, “One morning I was walking on the street and saw George W Bush with nothing on but a pink bra, green shoes, and a yellow mohawk.” The Devil says, “Nice try, but that’s not funny.” The American goes to Hell.

Now, it’s the Mexican’s turn. But he’s not very good at English and by now he is panicking. He blurts out, “This morning I hear ‘green green green’, I pink up the phone, and say ‘Yellow’?”

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Lobby

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