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Forward Funny

FW: They walk among us…

Ever watch Jay Leno do the “JayWalkers”? Realize that half the audience are laughing at how stupid the people he interviews are; the other half are saying to themselves, “boy, those are tough questions”?

 

 

THESE ARE TOO HYSTERICAL NOT TO PASS ON!!!!!!!!!!!

 

IDIOT SIGHTINGS

 

(1)  I handed the teller @ my bank a withdrawal slip for $400.00
I said “May I have large bills, please”
She looked at me and said “I’m sorry sir, all the bills are the same size.”
When I got up off the floor I explained it to her….

 

(2)  When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. ‘Hey,’ I announced to the technician, ‘it’s open!’ His reply: ‘I know. I already got that side.
This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, MS

 


(3)  We had to have the garage door repaired.
The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a ‘large’ enough motor on the opener.

I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.

He shook his head and said, ‘Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.’ I responded that 1/2 was  larger than 1/4.

He said, ‘NO, it’s not..’ Four is larger than two.’

We haven’t used Sears since.
(4)  My daughter and I went through the McDonald’s take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill.

Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.

She said, ‘you gave me too much money.’ I said, ‘Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.

She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request.

I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said ‘We’re sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.’

The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.

Do not confuse the clerks at McD’s.

 

 

(5)  I live in a semi rural area.

We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office

to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.

The reason: ‘Too many deer are being hit by cars out here!

I don’t think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.’



(6)  My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.

She asked the person behind the counter for ‘minimal lettuce.’
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg lettuce.

— From Kansas City 


(7)  I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,

‘Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?’

To which I replied, ‘If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?’

He smiled knowingly and nodded, ‘That’s why we ask.’

Happened in Birmingham , Ala.

I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.

Appalled, she responded, ‘What on earth are blind people doing driving?!’

She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS


(9)  At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to ‘downsizing,’

our manager commented cheerfully, ‘This is fun. We should do this more often..’

Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

This was a lunch at Texas Instruments. 



(10)  I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself
and for the sake of her life, couldn’t understand why her system would not turn on.

A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less. 

(11)  How would you pronounce this child’s name?
“Le-a”

Leah?? NO
Lee – A?? NOPE
Lay – a?? NO
Lei?? Guess Again.

This child attends a school in Kansas City, Mo..

Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong.

It’s pronounced “Ledasha”.

When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, “the dash don’t be silent.”
SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to pronounce the dash.

If dey axe you why, tell dem de dash don’t be silent.
They walk among us…

 

 

 

 

Categories
Forward Funny

FW: Jokes of the Day

A game of baseball
St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball. Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys.”Very well,” said the gatekeeper of Heaven. “But you realize, I hope, that we’ve got all the good players and the best coaches.”

“I know, and that’s all right,” Satan answered unperturbed. “We’ve got all the umpires.”


 

One morning the lion is feeling especially ferocious. He saunters over to a monkey swinging in a tree and roars, “Who’s the king of this jungle?” The monkey scampers down from the tree, bows to the lion and stammered, “Wh..wh…why you are Mr. Lion.”
A few minutes later, the lion comes across a warthog. He stops in front of the animal and asks, “Who’s the baddest dude in this jungle?”  The warthog hid his face in the dirt and whispered, “You’re the baddest, King Lion.”
This continues all morning long with animal after animal bowing and scraping to the lion. Finally the lion comes across an 80-year-old bull elephant. He bellows at the elephant, “Who’s the king of this jungle? Who owns this place?”  With that the elephant wrapped his trunk around the lion’s belly. He raised the lion 12 feet in the air and slammed his head against the ground. After that he slammed the lion into a tree on the right and then into another tree on the left. Finally, the elephant swung his trunk and threw the lion 35 feet away where the lion landed in a thorn bush.
As the elephant lumbered down the trail the lion shook his paw and shouted, “Just because you don’t know the answer, you don’t have to get an attitude!”


Deliverance
It is pouring rain in the flood plain of the Mississippi Valley, and the rising river begins to threaten all manner of private homes, including that of the local Rabbi.With water coming into the ground floor, a rowboat with police comes by, and the officer shouts, “Rabbi, let us evacuate you! The water level is getting dangerous.”

The Rabbi replies, “No thank you, I am a righteous man, who trusts in the Almighty, and I am confident he will deliver me.” Three hours go by, and the rains intensify, at which point the Rabbi has been forced up to the second floor of his house.A second police rowboat comes by, and the officer shouts, “Rabbi, let us evacuate you! The water level is getting dangerous.”

The Rabbi replies, “No thank you, I am a righteous man, who trusts in the Almighty, and I am confident he will deliver me.”

The rain does not stop, and the Rabbi is forced up onto the roof of his house. A helicopter flies over, and the officer shouts down, “Rabbi, grab the rope and we’ll pull you up! You’re in terrible danger!”

The Rabbi replies, “No thank you, I am a righteous man, who trusts in the Almighty, and I am confident he will deliver me.”
The deluge continues, and the Rabbi is swept off the roof, carried away in the current and drowns. He goes up to heaven, and at the Pearly Gates he is admitted, and comes before the Divine Presence.

The Rabbi asks, “Dear Lord, I don’t understand. I’ve been a righteous observant person my whole life, and depended on you to save me in my hour of need. Where were you?”

And the Lord answered, “I sent two boats and a helicopter, what more do you want?”


Nyuk nyuk nyuk!!!!

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Forward Funny

FW: Joke of the Day (The customs of an Irishman)

 

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, “You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time.” The Irishman replies, “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I’m here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.” The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: ordering three pints and drinking them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.” The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. “Oh, no,” he says, “Everyone’s fine. I’ve just quit drinking.”
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Forward Funny

RE: Joke of the Day

A lady walks into a bar and sees a really cute guy sitting at the counter. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking.

“Magic Beer”, he says

She thinks he’s a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after that there is no one else worth talking to, goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says, “That isn’t really Magic Beer, is it?”

“Yes, I’ll show you.” He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building 3 times and comes back in the window.

The lady can’t believe it: “I bet you can’t do that again.”

He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window.

She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to the bartender, “Give her one of what I’m having.”

She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.

The bartender looks up at the guy and says, “You know, Superman, you’re a real asshole when you’re drunk!”

Categories
Forward Funny

FW: Scam Alert

I Just got scammed out of $25. 
Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled “My Favorite 18 Holes.”   
Turns out it’s about golf.  
Absolute waste of money.

Pass this on so others don’t get scammed. 
  
Best Regards,

Charlie Sheen

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Forward Funny Images

Pictures you don’t see everyday

Pictures you don’t see everyday



Must have been McNaughty.



Looks like UPS wins!!!



Oh, come on… just one?



Start with spelling



..I think it was the FedEx driver




Made by the school that teaches Arithetic

 

Sometimes a name change is the best idea…

Take me to the cleaners, baby!

Major dilemma in  California:

How do you get there from here?


Everything you need for your ‘shotgun’ wedding!


It’s a good deal, but… oh, the college costs!

 

McLogic gone wrong…

 

Pork the one you love?

 


Still Dead, Huh??? Go Figure…




What?




‘Mass suicides…Cows going over the edge…tonight on Channel 3 News…’




Good Job!!
Well, Make that “former job.”

 


Load ’em up with burritos, Mom!!



I’m Confused…



 


How am I going to write that if I’m ILLITERATE?



I can’t even comment on this one



Must be Wyoming Beautiful, lush lawns of dirt…




Make up your mind!!!




Don’t drink and make signs…

 

And Last but not Least

It must have been the FedEx driver.

Categories
Forward Funny Interesting

Oxymorons

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

6. Why does “slow down” and “slow up” mean the same thing?

7. Why does “fat chance” and “slim chance” mean the same thing?

8. Why do “tug” boats push their barges?

9. Why do we sing “Take me out to the ball game”
when we are already there?

10. Why are they called ” stands” when they are made for sitting?

11. Why is it called “after dark” when it really is “after light”?

12.. Doesn’t “expecting the unexpected” make the unexpected expected?

13.. Why are a “wise man” and a “wise guy” opposites?

14. Why do “overlook” and “oversee” mean opposite things?

15. Why is “phonics” not spelled the way it sounds?

16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

17.. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?

21.. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control
when you know the batteries are dead?

22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them?

25.. Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?

27.Christmas – What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?

28.  Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway ?
I dunno, why do we?

Categories
Forward Funny

FW: Green Pink Yellow

An American man, a Chinese man, and a Mexican man all died and went to Hell. The Devil said, “You know guys, you all have been sinners. But I’m in a good mood, so I’m willing to give you another chance. If you can think of a sentence using the words ‘green’, ‘pink’, and ‘yellow’ that will make me laugh, then you will go to heaven.”

The Chinese guy goes first. He says, “One morning when I woke up, I looked out the window and saw a green field with pink and yellow flowers in it.” The Devil says, “You think that’s funny?” and the Chinese goes to Hell.

The American is next. He says, “One morning I was walking on the street and saw George W Bush with nothing on but a pink bra, green shoes, and a yellow mohawk.” The Devil says, “Nice try, but that’s not funny.” The American goes to Hell.

Now, it’s the Mexican’s turn. But he’s not very good at English and by now he is panicking. He blurts out, “This morning I hear ‘green green green’, I pink up the phone, and say ‘Yellow’?”

Categories
Forward Funny Images

FW: Gas Cartoons

gt1-options.jpg gt2-register.jpg gt3-armandleg.jpg gt4-bench.jpg gt5-rattle.jpg gt6-sheep.jpg gt7-sketch.jpg gt8-loanoffice.jpg gt9-howsmins.jpg gt10-tax.jpg gt11-robbed.jpg gt12-tow.jpg

–Care of SC

Sun 9/25/2005 9:33 PM

Categories
Forward Funny Images

FW: Why women live longer than men

I can relate….

 

Why women live longer than men

The following photos show conclusively why it is that women tend to live longer than men.

image0011.jpg

#7
(“Jackstands? Hah! Who needs ’em?”)


size=2 width=”100%” align=center>

image0022.jpg
#6
(Necessity is the mother of invention…)


image0033.jpg

#5(“And to think… those wimps at the power company use straps and cleats to get up this high!”)


image0044.jpg

#4
(I’m sure this guy still wonders why he got fired that day.)


image0055.jpg

#3
(“Gee, guys… that seems like an awful lot of protective gear for such a small chlorine gas leak…”)


image0066.jpg
#2
Step 1: Remove shoes.
Step 2: Place metal ladder in water.

Step 3: Begin using power tools while standing barefoot on metal ladder in water.


And the winner is…
image0077.jpg
(How drunk do you have to be before this starts looking like a good idea?)

–Care of SC

Sun 9/25/2005 9:32 PM